Time

I lost my Grandmother on November 17, 2020. She was an artist, singer and pianist. Every year that I was able to visit I noticed many things that didn't sit well with me- things that made me quite disappointed. I would visit my hometown and the home I always visited first was my Beulah Grandma's house. Around the time my son turned 3, he was able to visit her for the first time in June of 2016. That was the year that made me really pay attention to the changes happening back home.

My grandmother's piano mostly sat there, closed, unless her great grand attempted to play with it LOL, and she would immediately get upset and want someone to get them off of her piano. In those short years, each time I would visit, the piano was closed and my Grandmother's health and mobility were only getting worse. Her hands eventually became so stiff to the point where even if she wanted to play piano, I believe she couldn't.

Years kept passing by, and while away, I encouraged my son to play piano. We bought him his first official non-kiddy version key-board for Christmas of 2019. Days after, we signed him up to get weekly lessons. To honor my Grandma, I was excited to share with her the great news. She seemed excited, as well, but added "Y'all aren't forcing him right? Is this something he wants to do?" I assured her that he wants to play. He has a natural gift and already knows how to play by ear, just like me.

Unfortunately, no one encouraged me to get lessons when I was little. As for my Jasper, I want him to explore all of his potential. Because of the pandemic, I am currently teaching him all that I can. I am learning a little here and there, as a result of having to teach him. Every time I see him sitting at the piano, I wonder when, how and why my grandmother no longer played. What happened to make her lose inspiration to continue working on her craft?

So many questions I never had time to visit and ask. Any time I was in town or spoke to her on the phone it was just a simple conversation about her day and to just say hello. The 2 final times I spoke with my Grandmother they were quite the contrast. One phone call she sounded fine, and she told me to "take care of my family." The final time I spoke with her was on October 11, 2020. She did not sound well, at all. She sounded like she could barely breathe. With all the strength she had, I at least got to hear her say, "I love you, too.", and once again "Take care of your family."

On the day that I received word that she had passed, I was mentally prepared for the news and had very little reaction. I already knew she didn't have long because of that last phone call, but I still had hope. I really wanted her to meet my daughter and planned to see her once she turned 2 or 3 years old. I planned to interview and film my Grandmother and dive deeper into conversation with her, to discuss life lessons, regrets, trauma, EVERYTHING. It's true what they say: 'Time is a bandit.'

After the funeral, it wasn't until I saw the dead roses that I sent her on her back porch days before her passing and seeing the empty blue velvet chair in her room where she usually sat that emotions took over. So many emotions began pouring out while looking around her home and seeing the closed piano in the living room. I was even thinking about her royal nature and presence, her strength and her gifts. I wondered where, when, HOW did she lose her desire to not just exist but to "Keep on LIVING." (as some elders love to say in their attempts to teach the younger generation)? Why did she not continue to play piano, or paint another picture, or sing in her garden or go for walks, eat breakfast outside, something other than just watch time go by?

All those times I visited, I noticed she would never leave the house- not once. And in that short amount of time it seemed she treated life like there was nothing to live for. Some would say she died peacefully, I disagree. There were times I would converse with her about tiny details about her past. In those brief talks there was always, in my opinion, a longing, regrets, just something there that I couldn't put my finger on. When I would look into her eyes and watch her expressions while she was speaking, man, there was this something. Only the gods know what that could have been.

I was so hoping that there would be more time. I really would like to know why she stopped living it up, long before she lost mobility. Alas, the answers to my many questions will always be a mystery. Time is indeed a bandit.

To my dear Grandmother Beulah: I will continue to do what you always told your 'Nena Poo' to do...

"Be good." (I would always respond to that by saying, "Maybe.", and she would always chuckle.)

"Stay sweet." (I would always respond with, "We'll see.", and again she would chuckle a little harder.)

"Take care of your family." ("Yes Ma'am, I sure will! I love you, bye!", would usually be the end of our conversation each time.)

I will make sure that I do not take life and time for granted. I hope that when my children are old they keep on creating memories, like their parents try to do as often as possible with and for them.

I will make sure to stay on my husband about actually finishing an art project or even music- whatever artsy thing he wishes to pursue. I hope he never stops creating.

To my dear husband: Babe, you are NOT too old to rap just as long as those bars are fire, LOL. Let's drop an album someday. Creatives are never too old to create! Also, let's take as many road trips as my patience can handle. "Are we there yet", LOL! That was a bomb travel playlist we put together on our trip from Georgia. What an awesome time we have had together, thus far.

One more thing to those reading this: To some, 2020 may have taught them that life is short. Nah, dear reader! Like I tell my family, "Life is unpredictable." My Grandmother was 85 when she passed. Some would say that's a pretty long time to be on this planet, right? But with all the time some of us are granted, we take life for granted. We let time just pass us by. We are all guilty of that. Time to start living versus existing.

#life #canvas #pixarsoul #Blog #covid2020 #time #love #enjoylife #live #makememories